Why does he pull back?




“Love is passion, obsession, someone you can’t live without. If you don’t start with that, what are you going to end up with? Fall head over heels. I say find someone you can love like crazy and who’ll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I’m not hearing any heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you’ll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love – well, you haven’t lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven’t tried, you haven’t lived”. [William Parrish] from the movie, Meet Joe Black (1998)


When we get into a new relationship, our ego is getting fed at first and It starts growing rapidly. We are getting immediately addicted to his attention. It’s like a drug. We need it more and more. But there is a moment when he withdraws his attention and pulls back. Don’t panic! This is how men operate. Men need FREEDOM, or I would say superficial concepts of freedom. They will pull back to slow down the progress of relationship to maintain their space. It’s ok! Do not call him and ask what’s wrong or god forbid whether you did something wrong. Maintain your presence of mind. If you get swept away by romantic fantasy, you will get hurt. Live your life exactly the same way when you met him. The real YOU what made him attracted to you. As soon as you loose your power and become needy—needy of his attention and his approval, he will loose his interest! If he takes you for granted, pull back with no explanation; it will get his attention big time. If he becomes too busy all of a sudden, it’s time to show with your actions that he will no longer be dictating terms and rules of the relationship. A little distance with the presence of total self-control will make him nervous that he may be loosing you. This is not about playing games. Men are hunters and need to be kept on their toes in order to pursue you. Never be 100% available for him. When you are not available all the time, he will go out of his way to see you. Oftentimes men pull back deliberately to see what your reaction will be, that will give them an idea how much you care.

There is one secret I want to reveal, are you ready? —all men need space and pull back time-to-time. This is their natural cycle. As we do not decide when to get hungry, men do not decide when to pull back. It just happens as an instinctual urge. There is a limit for every man how close and intimate he can get and then he begins to lose himself. At this point an urge to pull away rushes in and a man distances himself in order to fulfill his needs for freedom and autonomy. Ironically, women, being extremely intuitive and sensitive species, sense when a man is about to pull back and begin working hard on reestablishing even stronger bond—which makes a man to pull back even further. In most cases as soon as woman starts talking about feelings man starts to feel an urge to pull back. Feelings and intimacy draw men closer, and when a man gets too close he inevitably pulls back. Let him have his space and enjoy your life while he is recharging! Men can pull back only that far and then they spring right back and love you again. Do not interrupt his natural instinct by chasing him or by punishing him. When you realize this is normal and moreover uncontrolled inevitable cycle for a man, you will not feel abandoned, rejected and unloved when he pulls back.

Men are attracted to empowered women, independent thinkers, who are never self-abnegating. Never live someone else’s standards, only your own! Men will die for the woman who plays by her own rules, who is confident, and knows her own truth. A man will respect a woman who is direct about what she needs and wants without second guessing herself. Never let a man to disrespect you and walk over you.  Men will get away with what you let them get away with.

Most women want safe, comfortable relationship. But remember, where there is comfortable – there is no passion. And too comfortable is dead. Make your love life exciting and alive! “Unless it’s mad, passionate, extraordinary love, it’s a waste of your time. There are too many mediocre things in life. Love shouldn’t be one of them.” Dream for an insomniac.

Forget about Mr. Right fantasy, it is not really about holding out for excellence, it’s an excuse to avoid intimacy. Relationships are messy and scary at times; they require vulnerability and loss of control. If you have a non-existing ideal of a “prince on a white horse”, you have a story for not even trying. It is not about giving up on your values. In fact, you need to make sure your partners’ values are aligned with yours.

Most of women my age, in their early 30-s, are desperate to find a man, get married, and have kids. Desperation kills. If you are not comfortable with who you are, if you need someone else to ‘complete’ you, you will attract wrong men. The least interested party always wins. Find you passion in life, find your truth, dream big! Follow your dreams and men will follow you!



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